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Occasionally,
airline attendants make an effort to make
the "in-flight safety lecture" and their
other announcements a bit more
entertaining..
Here are some
real examples that have been heard or
reported "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane...
" And, after
landing "Thank you for flying XYZ Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As the plane
landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice comes over
the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a
particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on an XYZ flight announced "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
From a XYZ
Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
FlightXXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised.
In the event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
with two small children, decide now which
one you love more.
Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than
XYZ Airlines."
"Your seat
cushions can be used for flotation, and in
the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
Once on a XYZ
flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
visit with all of you for the rest of the
flight."
"Should the
cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like
children."
"As you exit
the plane, please make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will
be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean
it."
And from the
pilot during his welcome message "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on XYZ
Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City The flight attendant came on
the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm
here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it
was the asphalt!"
An airline
pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway
really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten
off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot, what is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real
crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a
Flight Attendant's arrival announcement
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying
with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at XYZ Airways." |
